Burnt

Sometimes you just want to crush the very existence of an association in your life. But how often have you tried and failed thinking maybe at some level it may have meant even for a fraction of a moment that i existed. In this hope you keep on trying and suffering and then one day – it’s a snap! It just goes away like a bad burn, leaving behind a new skin, more pink and tender as what is also seen as a scar, i believe should be seen as a reminder that you would always be careful next time you bring your hand too near to the fire. I am exhausted to the verge of wanting to re-work my very nature of being accommodating and comforting.

 

why be afraid…

Breaking Dawn – A thousand Years – Christina Perri

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed that I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Hope :)

After so many upheavals and downpours and farewells and reunions….today for the first time a real connection was felt. All my efforts did not go to waste and my beliefs were strengthened. I thank lord for giving me the courage to accept my purpose and help me achieve it. I made the first step towards a change happen. And this only gives me more courage to go on…:)

I thank you Lord.

– S

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Caught in a Hurricane!

How do I get out of this? There is one thing as getting caught in a hurricane and another thing as creating it for your own self, knowing there will be no way out. I wish I could stop myself but now it seems too late. I feel drained in every single rendezvous, there are seldom moments when i’m rejuvenated and happy from within and that only happens in company of others who are an epitome of positive energy.

I wouldn’t have normally written about this, but today I reached a point of intolerance that made me feel if i don’t write it down, I will burst in flames and self destruct.

Why do i see good when there is none? Why am i the only one convinced there may just be a hint of goodness and humanity left, some extraordinary powers will unite and make everything bearable. But it has been so long and it is just getting worse and all I can think of and feel is exhaustion and sadness and unexplained sense of loss.

I never thought I would reach a point where I would want to get out of something so badly that even after getting a zillion opportunities to escape I still wouldn’t take a single one seriously and keep on playing along like it is all fine and all is well. Am i being a sadist? Have i started enjoying being in this misery? Have i started loving the pain? Have i completely lost myself and my beliefs? 

What am i doing? Why am i still trapped, so compulsively. Why am i not seizing the opportunity and making a run for it? Why am i still so attached? Is this what addiction feels like? I wish at times that even a substance abuse addiction would be an easier circumstance to get out of. But in this case this addiction just doesn’t leave me. It’s like it has become a part of my existence. 

I have nothing positive coming out of this. I have no benefits. I have no significance. Yet I am unable to achieve isolation. I need a break.

Is is because i seek a clean break, hence it is stopping me from escaping? Why do i seek it to be clean and simple and sorted? No break is ever clean…it is always difficult. But is it that there is a fear that there is more pain in the break as compared to the pain of staying attached. I feel i’m addicted to the pain of the association so much that it has become my comfort zone, and i’m unable to accept that excruciating and even more killing pain of separation that will ultimately liberate me. 

Liberation seems like a far fetched dream at this point, the process seems even more painful. Why is it so tough to attain normalcy after detachment? I fear the pain i will go through if i just snap out of it, i feel a sense of loss to be more potent than just going with the flow of daily medication.

Well, ironically i still have a shred of optimism left inside me in spite of my current state of mind > and i believe that i will be fine and then the past will become a blur. 

Help me almighty…give me the strength and courage to fight this habit and get out of it with a smile. Help me erase this episode forever like it never existed in the first place. Help me start afresh.

– S 

 

on the Rocks….

What shall we use to fill the empty
Spaces where we used to talk
How should I fill the final places ?
How should I complete the wall ?

And we are back to where we began dear heart and soul…..and this is the only way i will ever remember you now 🙂

________________________________________________________

You promised me the ending would be clear
You’d let me know when the time was now
Don’t let me know when you’re opening the door
Stab me in the dark, let me disappear

Memories that flutter like bats out of hell
Stab you from the city spires
Life wasn’t worth the balance
Or the crumpled paper it was written on

Feed me no lies
I don’t know about you
Breathe through the years
I don’t know about you
Bring me the disco king
I don’t know about you

Dead or alive

“Bring me the Disco King” 

_____________________________

 

I lived an entire lifetime in the last 6 months. Time to take out the album of memories and paste you there…and move on.

 

– S 

 

Accolades…

Its just weird how when you achieve you get accolades for it….people celebrate your gain…but never celebrate your pain. There is no short cut to success, you have to go through the struggle to reach your goal, and that every step you take is filled with obstacles, but no one accolades you on every step….if only people could celebrate every step you take then the goal would become easier to achieve, don’t you think? At every hurdle if you were cheered, it would encourage you to enjoy the struggle and automatically you wouldn’t mind it…and not even dream of taking a short cut…or a jump. A goal becomes more valuable when the journey taken to it is rough. So, I’d say….cheer the journey, accolade the process…and when people celebrate your achievement you would know they are celebrating your efforts and struggle and not just the fame you got with it…:)

-S

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Destiny!

Why is it that one never gets something they want so much – completely? Its either this or that…there’s always an “either-or” situation. It is so frustrating > patience is tested at every level . Its like God is testing you all the time. What happens to the saying “Mehnat ka phal meetha hota hai” > I’m sorry to disappoint you > its damn bitter! Any effort is never enough…and you think, you deserve better – the only solace one can get > you are better off. Then why go through the drill to come to this realisation? Why is there no clear headline in the beginning itself that states > beware of the consequences – you are better off < That's what I call destiny! Journey is full of hiccups…keep having water and someday you will find the destination that doesn't ever give you hiccups and just a flowing sense of breathing…
Wait for it.

-S

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.