When you reach at the same place in your life after making an investment when you question if the investment was worth it! You never really the know the true answer. At some point you feel deep within it was worth it and someday it will bare fruit, then somewhere at the surface of it you feel absolutely numb. Cheated. Were you really so naive as to not understand that it was a dead end ? I don’t want to believe that. I refuse to believe that. I’m better than this. I’m intelligent enough to know what is best and what is not. Then you recall entire history. You dissect each hour spent moment by moment and feel blessed to have had that, and feel it meant something. It changed you. It made you believe in a kind of union you could only imagine and not actualise. Yet you actualised that union. That’s all you ever wanted all your life. Someone to want to see you everyday without getting tired or bored or nauseated. How can you achieve that without feeling deeper and purer. How can you achieve that novelty every time you meet? Even now when you meet you feel as if you just met, as if it’s brand new. Am I missing something? What does this mean? I have met many over and over again and it has never made me feel new every time. I have met at intervals and felt newness, I have met everyday and got bored, but here I am, I meet everyday, not get bored but feel newness. What is this? And more importantly Why is this? deep down I feel a faith rising inside me waiting to be broken, waiting for it to all fall apart. I can sense a conflict. I can sense impatience. And I can sense myself being stronger. Is that all this was for? To make me stronger ? To make me a fighter? To make me a believer? I would give anything to have these questions answered. Even though I’m enjoying this sadness mixed with happiness with a hint of uncertainty but now it’s making me numb. It’s making me silent. It doesn’t make me cry anymore. It just makes me look forward yet look backward , make me want to see what’s coming and what’s not coming. Many may know the answer to this, as being the latter..but I still have faith that it can be former and when that happens, I will burn up in flames like the Phoenix and never ask for more from life.


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