Caught in a Hurricane!

How do I get out of this? There is one thing as getting caught in a hurricane and another thing as creating it for your own self, knowing there will be no way out. I wish I could stop myself but now it seems too late. I feel drained in every single rendezvous, there are seldom moments when i’m rejuvenated and happy from within and that only happens in company of others who are an epitome of positive energy.

I wouldn’t have normally written about this, but today I reached a point of intolerance that made me feel if i don’t write it down, I will burst in flames and self destruct.

Why do i see good when there is none? Why am i the only one convinced there may just be a hint of goodness and humanity left, some extraordinary powers will unite and make everything bearable. But it has been so long and it is just getting worse and all I can think of and feel is exhaustion and sadness and unexplained sense of loss.

I never thought I would reach a point where I would want to get out of something so badly that even after getting a zillion opportunities to escape I still wouldn’t take a single one seriously and keep on playing along like it is all fine and all is well. Am i being a sadist? Have i started enjoying being in this misery? Have i started loving the pain? Have i completely lost myself and my beliefs? 

What am i doing? Why am i still trapped, so compulsively. Why am i not seizing the opportunity and making a run for it? Why am i still so attached? Is this what addiction feels like? I wish at times that even a substance abuse addiction would be an easier circumstance to get out of. But in this case this addiction just doesn’t leave me. It’s like it has become a part of my existence. 

I have nothing positive coming out of this. I have no benefits. I have no significance. Yet I am unable to achieve isolation. I need a break.

Is is because i seek a clean break, hence it is stopping me from escaping? Why do i seek it to be clean and simple and sorted? No break is ever clean…it is always difficult. But is it that there is a fear that there is more pain in the break as compared to the pain of staying attached. I feel i’m addicted to the pain of the association so much that it has become my comfort zone, and i’m unable to accept that excruciating and even more killing pain of separation that will ultimately liberate me. 

Liberation seems like a far fetched dream at this point, the process seems even more painful. Why is it so tough to attain normalcy after detachment? I fear the pain i will go through if i just snap out of it, i feel a sense of loss to be more potent than just going with the flow of daily medication.

Well, ironically i still have a shred of optimism left inside me in spite of my current state of mind > and i believe that i will be fine and then the past will become a blur. 

Help me almighty…give me the strength and courage to fight this habit and get out of it with a smile. Help me erase this episode forever like it never existed in the first place. Help me start afresh.

– S 



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