This is the house where I could be unknown…

Very few times in our life we get moments of complete solitude…when we share a moment of realization of self with our own selves. In these moments, I imagine myself in a house where I can be unknown, with its egg shell walls and golden wood finishes; melody playing through the space, highlights of turquoise and pastels, greys and whites…light and pleasant misty breeze, hot pot of tea, smoke of the cigarettes…and a diary and pen in hand; I see myself admiring every movement of the man I love. This is a moment of complete serenity. I can’t stop smiling and I can’t stop praying that this moment lasts forever. No one knows I’m there, no one knows who I am… I’m unknown, in this house..and the feeling is priceless. All I have is love and love has me. This is the house where I feel alone; alone with my thoughts and my emotions, alone with love and devotion; alone with a smile.


– S


Standards of Working

You know how there are people who absolutely love living a sadistic life.

When I joined this company, I was told a few things by my MD (which I wish I had recorded), like I would be changing the creative face of the company, introducing a structured system of working as a creative team, make new design templates and what not.

A week later I was told again by my MD; what are you doing? You need to follow the ‘company way’ of doing things. First understand the company way and then we will see your progress and how it goes. First understand the system of working here, and understand your task. The templates remain the same and ask your supervisor to email you what we use and so on. We need you to follow the following process – a,b,c,d wherein by march next year we should be able to be a creative studio at par with the 10-20 year old agencies in the city.

And more recently the MD announced in a team meeting, that in order to be indispensable to the company you need to show me 3 things – 1) being able to take more than what you know or do 2) being able to work beyond 6pm 3) being able to show loyalty

Today, my work entails me to do the following to the best of my abilities :

  1. Type names of the guests (even if they are a million in number) on 10 different badges for an event
  2. Stand at the registration desk and register guests and hand-over the badges
  3. Check artwork for car parking stickers to verify correct size/quantity
  4. Go through the picture gallery of past events (over 100k pics) and select top 50 to be used on company website
  5. Take print outs of the rental catalogues on computer and file them in different folders and label them for future reference
  6. Find out rental prices and sizes and availability of items on the catalogues and label them again accordingly
  7. Run presentations backstage during a speaker event/conference
  8. Pack left over paper/magazines/brochures after event is over
  9. Stay back in office everyday post 6pm, until you see other seniors leaving, whether or not you have work
  10. Maintain a time-sheet on a soft board which should indicate to-do, task details and status report of all projects the creative team is working on


Is that enough to describe the absolutely demented standards of working.

When Writing Saves You

My mother has always encouraged me to write, for me to let out what I feel through words that can’t be spoken that often or easily but can be written. 

Being human is a gift, really. Because we have the power or words that helped us give a shape and form to our feelings, feelings that come from our senses interacting with the inside as well as the outside world. I am sure at the time when humans were created, they were created to ‘create’ more than what was offered in form of just a physical existence. We have a brain that guides our organs to perform in a certain way and we have a heart that makes those organs survive inside our body. But that’s not all we were meant to do. To just exist. 

We were meant to use our brain to create words that gave us the power to be able to create thoughts, to be able to gain knowledge, to be able to understand things in a certain way. We are definitely the most amazing creation of all times. Much more amazing than the Galaxy, the moon, the stars, the planets, the sun.. We are living organisms that can think, speak, write, action and further create more of our kind! Wow! 

So this makes me come back to the thought of writing because it is in my thoughts that I need to be able to express what I feel.  

So I’m using these words to tell my brain to tell me to write. Isn’t that something! That is what Descartes meant when he said – “I think therefore I am”, and vice versa. 

So words help a lot. They help us streamline our thoughts into being more organised and well…thoughtful. 

I encourage whoever I meet in my life, to be able to write. Because words have the power to make us into whatever we want to be. 

So, for instance –  I write down that “I am happy”. Then, from my eyes to my brain to my heart, these words reach inside my system and reaffirm that I am happy, first as a thought and then the thoughts convert into words and words convert into actions! There you go – you are now happy! How simple was that? 

However, here’s the catch – there is always that possibility of getting distracted.  So how do you make sure that you don’t disturb this transfer of thoughts into action without distracting yourself while doing it. And that’s where our super power – our brain comes in again. We have to simultaneously make sure that our brain while comprehending this signal, does not comprehend other surrounding thoughts or diversions. We have to focus. Yes, we have to focus all our thoughts into one thought to make sure the right one goes in. So how do we do that ? 

We repeat what we thought of in the first place! Yay! 

So as I write down how I feel, I’m also finding a solution to making me feel better! Because I know now that I have to repeat the though of ‘I am happy’ to be able to put it in action. 

Thanks mom. 

You made sure I find my happiness all on my own. Without even having to try hard. It’s really.. That simple! 

Try it 🙂 

Saving Symphony

“One good thing about Music. When it hits you, you feel no pain.” – Bob Marley

There are no words actually to describe what music does to me, my soul and my existence. It’s not even so much as the lyrics as is the melody…

I feel in Love, all the time, every time, every single second of my life. It is just crazy how much you can emote with just music or a song. And it is in fact ‘music’ that inspired me to start writing.

I started my day with music few years back, when i stayed all by myself in a remote corner of the city. I started, journeyed through and ended my day with music. Thats how i lived a complete life and perhaps the most memorable years of my adult life. I experienced every emotion to its absoluteness. That was the time in my life, I loved like a mad woman. I let myself experience every relation there was to be explored. I had a best friend, a married friend, a stranger friend, an old acquaintance friend, a ‘never could have thought of like that’ friend, a by chance friend, a mercedes benz friend, a flying friend, a work friend…and so on. Sometimes i wonder if that’s why God convinced me to get married a year back! (lol)

On a more serious note, I was who I was then, truly…a free soul. I danced so much it hurt my feet. But as they say, too much of anything harms you, and so it did. The fact of the matter is – I really can’t be who I want to be when i want to be if i want to survive in this goddamn world! I have to live my life with discipline and boundaries.

And so, when I’m listening to a song, I automatically role play the characters in my head and I feel every emotion the singer is feeling. I dance, make love, cry, break down, laugh and love in my mind. It is always music, that comes to my rescue. Because it’s in the world of a song or a melody I can be (with) whoever i want to be…or I can be alone all over again.

It saves me from me.

– S

The Inevitable Confusion

Sometime back I was wishing to find someone I could spend the rest of my life with, someone who would take me away from the confusions of my life..and free me off the desires to be wanted. Then I came across someone who seemed just the kind to take me away from the pain…until I realised…pain is constant. It’s inside me…now in a different shape and form, different texture and composition. I’m back to being confused. What is it that I’m seeking? They say you attract what you are…is this who I am? Struggling with anger, disorganised expenditure, impulsive shopping, sensorial dependence and complexes of wanting to fit into a certain mould…? Is this me? These are all the issues i need to address within me before I address them without. So here I am, right where I began…back to the inevitable confusions of life…hoping the decision that i take today will make me and not break me further.

When you let her go…

I couldn’t have put this down in any better way….*

“Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you’ll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
‘Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
‘Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go
And you let her go
Well you let her go”

– Passenger

* for a very dear friend who let her go unknowingly so…



When you reach at the same place in your life after making an investment when you question if the investment was worth it! You never really the know the true answer. At some point you feel deep within it was worth it and someday it will bare fruit, then somewhere at the surface of it you feel absolutely numb. Cheated. Were you really so naive as to not understand that it was a dead end ? I don’t want to believe that. I refuse to believe that. I’m better than this. I’m intelligent enough to know what is best and what is not. Then you recall entire history. You dissect each hour spent moment by moment and feel blessed to have had that, and feel it meant something. It changed you. It made you believe in a kind of union you could only imagine and not actualise. Yet you actualised that union. That’s all you ever wanted all your life. Someone to want to see you everyday without getting tired or bored or nauseated. How can you achieve that without feeling deeper and purer. How can you achieve that novelty every time you meet? Even now when you meet you feel as if you just met, as if it’s brand new. Am I missing something? What does this mean? I have met many over and over again and it has never made me feel new every time. I have met at intervals and felt newness, I have met everyday and got bored, but here I am, I meet everyday, not get bored but feel newness. What is this? And more importantly Why is this? deep down I feel a faith rising inside me waiting to be broken, waiting for it to all fall apart. I can sense a conflict. I can sense impatience. And I can sense myself being stronger. Is that all this was for? To make me stronger ? To make me a fighter? To make me a believer? I would give anything to have these questions answered. Even though I’m enjoying this sadness mixed with happiness with a hint of uncertainty but now it’s making me numb. It’s making me silent. It doesn’t make me cry anymore. It just makes me look forward yet look backward , make me want to see what’s coming and what’s not coming. Many may know the answer to this, as being the latter..but I still have faith that it can be former and when that happens, I will burn up in flames like the Phoenix and never ask for more from life.